Help Your Child Overcome a 'Give Up' Mindset

'My son gives up too easily with many activities. He's the kind of kid who dives into things with enthusiasm but hits a wall at the first sign of trouble. The moment things get a bit tough, he throws up his hands and says, 'I can't do it!' and that's the end of it. He just refuses to push through. Can I help him somehow?'

This scenario is a common one, faced by many parents.

But there's good news: with the right approach children can learn to embrace challenges rather than shy away from them. Below, we explore strategies supported by psychological research.

Understanding the 'Give Up' Mindset

The 'give up' mindset in children is a complex issue, influenced by various factors that interplay in unique ways for each child. To effectively help a child who frequently feels like giving up, you need to understand the root causes and the emotions they may be experiencing.

Causes of the 'Give Up' Mindset

• Fear of Failure: Many children fear failing, especially in a world that emphasizes success and achievement. This fear can be so overwhelming that it leads to avoidance of trying altogether.

• Perfectionism: For some kids, the desire to do everything perfectly can create a paralyzing fear of making mistakes. They might prefer not to try rather than risk doing something imperfectly.

• Negative Past Experiences: Previous experiences of failure or embarrassment can have a lasting impact. Children might avoid similar situations in the future to prevent reliving those negative emotions.

• External Pressures: Pressure from parents, teachers, or peers to perform can be intense. It might lead to a fear of letting others down, contributing to avoiding challenging tasks.

What Children May Feel

• Anxiety and Stress: The thought of facing a difficult task can cause significant anxiety. They might worry incessantly about potential outcomes or reactions from others.

• Helplessness: A lack of confidence in their abilities can make children feel helpless. They may think, "No matter what I do, I won’t succeed."

• Frustration: Children might feel frustrated with themselves, especially if they see their peers succeeding in tasks they find difficult.

• Embarrassment: The fear of being embarrassed in front of others, especially peers, can be a strong deterrent from trying.

• Overwhelm: Some children get easily overwhelmed by the scope of a task or by not knowing where to start.

Children feel their emotions deeply, and what might seem small to us can be huge for them. Instead of just pushing them to act, it's important to help them work through and ease the strong emotions and anxieties they're feeling.

Step-by-Step Guide: How to Act When Your Child Wants to Give Up

When your child is on the brink of giving up and expresses feelings of inability, such as saying, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard,” your approach can significantly influence their mindset. Here’s a guide to help you navigate these moments effectively:

1. Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge and empathize with a child's feelings when they are struggling. Recognizing their emotional state and showing that you understand can provide significant comfort. Say something like, “It seems like this is really tough for you right now, and that’s perfectly okay.”
   

2. Embrace the Power of 'Yet': When a child says they can't do something, adding "yet" to their statement can encourage a growth mindset. It helps shift their perspective, opening up possibilities for future success and learning. For example, if a child says, "I can't ride this bike," respond with, "You can't ride it yet, but you can learn!"
   

3. Recall Past Successes: Help the child see their current challenge in the light of past successes where they overcame similar difficulties. Reminding them, “Remember how you learned to swim? You were nervous at first but kept trying and succeeded!” can boost their confidence.
   

4. Break Down the Challenge: Assist the child in breaking down challenging tasks into smaller, manageable steps. This approach makes overwhelming tasks feel achievable and less daunting. Guide them in figuring out the first step to take, simplifying the process.
   

5. Offer Steady Support: Show the child that you are there to help and will work through the challenge together. Expressing your support, like saying, “I’m right here with you. Let's tackle this together,” can encourage them to keep trying.
   

6. Cultivate a Growth Mindset: Encourage the child to understand that abilities can grow with effort. Every attempt, whether successful or not, is a valuable learning opportunity. For example, tell them, “Every time you make a mistake, your brain grows!”
   

7. Create a Learning Goals List: Collaborate with the child to create a "list of things I want to learn." This list transforms daunting tasks into exciting learning opportunities. Celebrate their achievements as they reach these goals, reinforcing their progress.
   

8. Praise Efforts, Not Just Talent: Focus on praising the child's efforts and specific achievements, rather than just their innate abilities. This method nurtures a growth mindset and emphasizes the value of hard work and persistence. Say things like, “I'm impressed with how much effort you put into this,” to encourage their continued effort and learning.
   

I hope that the ideas on this list will be as helpful for you as they have been for us!

If you're looking to help your kids develop a growth mindset, our social-emotional learning app is a great place to start. Take a quiz to tailor the curriculum precisely to your child's needs.