Mom Rage: Why It’s Not Your Fault and How to Make Real Change

Many parents find themselves trapped in a distressing cycle — they get triggered or irritated by their child's behavior, lose control, and then immediately feel ashamed and regretful. They promise to never react the same way again, yet the cycle repeats.

If this is you, I’m here to tell you that slipping into this autopilot mode is not your fault or a sign of poor self-control — it’s simply how your brain is wired. You can quickly and effectively learn to dial down your reactivity and respond calmly. However, neither your regrets nor your best intentions will get you there. 

This is what happens in these moments

To put it very simply, your brain consists of three main areas — the “smart” neocortex, the “emotional” limbic system, and the instinctual mammal brain. All of them are necessary to get you through life efficiently, whether you're navigating the urban jungle or a wild one with tigers. And that neocortex I just mentioned? That´s where your thoughts and good intentions live, and intense stress causes this part of your brain to shut down.

As your nervous system's arousal level rises, you become more alert: your senses tune into the expected “threats,” and you literally see and hear less.

Plus, any incoming information is now treated with suspicion. Modern “threats” are often related to over-stimulation, reduced capacity to digest what’s happening, or a combination of both — they don´t have to be dramatic or life-threatening events. One day your friend is telling you a silly joke that seems alright or even makes you chuckle, and the next day find yourself offended or annoyed by the same thing. Your nervous system and all your biochemistry made the same joke feel completely different. 

As your body´s protocol prepares to fight the “threat,” the smart, compassionate, and cooperative part of your brain takes a backseat. At the same time, the limbic emotional area gets activated and starts telling you stories of past pain. It's a protective mechanism that works well in real danger, but, since most social situations aren't threatening, it just causes unnecessary stimulation and speeds up your nervous system response. And the more stressed you are, the harder it is to find your way back to calm.

You may have felt some of these bodily reactions to intense stress: muscular tension, tightness, rigidity, leaning forward, everything speeding up, feeling hot, clenching your hands and jaw, changes in breathing, etc. This is when “pulling yourself together” takes real effort.

If no regulation or processing happens here, the escalation will continue to the point of no return.

As your sympathetic nervous system gets activated, the neocortex and limbic brain fully shut down. In this state, you physically can’t remember that you wanted to do better. 

The sympathetic nervous system operates on instincts — it’s that default autopilot that you’ve been planning to stop falling into. Without someone else stepping in to help you regulate (e.g., create physical distance, distract you, give you a reassuring hug), you will lose control. You’ll scream, yell insults, and do anything to avert the potential threat, even if it’s just your kid’s tantrum.

This becomes a vicious cycle for both parents and children as it gets reinforced every time until the most minor thing is enough to trigger a full-on stress response. As your kids themselves are just learning to regulate (by watching you), it’s on you to break this cycle.

So what can you do?

1. Teach yourself to regulate before you hit that point of no return. Learn to recognize the early stages of your stress response (often before you´d admit to “feeling stressed”), and you'll be able to calm down faster. Tune into your body instead of listening to your limbic brain’s “stories.” If you catch yourself leaning forward and clenching your fists, remember to position your shoulders above your hips and relax your hands.  By actively reversing your body´s stress response pattern, you tell your brain, “Hey buddy, that was a misunderstanding — we´re safe, and this is not a big deal.” Your biochemistry will start adjusting accordingly, making you feel genuinely more relaxed.
   

1. Make your new response the go-to for your nervous system. To do this, you must remain relaxed enough to keep your neocortex online and your compassion accessible. In stress coaching, we call this a centered state. Then, you can practice all those helpful strategies you’ve learned, like offering your child a supportive hug or saying, “It´s okay to be angry, I still love you,” from a place of sincerity. The way you speak and your body language affect your child's emotions much more than your words, so it's important to be genuinely relaxed.

This can be achieved with just one minute of practice a day, four times a week, for four to six weeks. The good news is you will notice changes almost immediately — it's as if a small window opens up before things escalate, giving you a chance to interrupt the cycle. With practice, your ability to regulate will improve until it becomes second nature.

Begin by centering yourself, then practice staying calm while imagining a situation that you rate as a 6 out of 10 on the stress scale. Watch this 4-minute video with a simple and practical technique to help you notice when you're stressed and calm your body down. And don't forget to keep reading the article to learn more about breaking the rage-guilt cycle.

“Side effects”:

• You are smarter when regulated — as your neocortex remains online, it’s easier to compromise and find better solutions. You are able to enforce boundaries confidently without being aggressive and maintain authority without scaring your kid.

• You will unconsciously co-regulate your child. By managing to stay calm, you signal to your kid´s nervous system that they are safe and there is no need for a stress response.

• You get the chance to teach your child emotional regulation. The more regulated you become, the easier it gets to access connection and compassion. You will be able to soothe your kid and model how to handle stress effectively.

• Your new emotional regulation skills will carry over into all other stressful situations, making you better at dealing with them. You will gain confidence knowing that you can now handle a lot more, if necessary. 

Ready to make a real change? Watch a focused 60-minute session with a Q&A, where I explored practical ways to manage your reactions to your child's behavior. Together, we turned high-stress parenting moments into opportunities for growth and bonding. Don’t miss out — check the video! 

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